The gauntlet is run

Well, apologies, first of all, for the sizeable delay, which has probably kept you all on the very tenter-most of tenterhooks and has had you all afeared that I have lapsed mere days into my quest. Well, I haven't, so ner. But it's not through a lack of my parents doing their damnedest to fuck it all up. See, I just spent a delightful 10 days in the family bosom back in Wolverhampton, which was made all the more delightful by the fact that my family weren't actually there to offer their bosom. 10 days in an entirely empty house doing entirely nothing - yes please. However, when I got home, I found the usual 26-page document from my mum explaining how the washing machine works, where all the keys where for all the house's domestic orifices, what numbers I should ring in case of emergencies, and, last of all, where all the food was that I could eat. And wouldn't you know it, they'd gone and bought about 20 pizzas and practically filled the freezer with them. Oh, the waste! The terrible, terrible waste! However, through judicious use of locking the pantry door, then getting so drunk that I couldn't remember where I left the key, I was able to avoid that paradise of doughy delights for the entire 10 days of my stay AND I didn't eat any compensatory burgers either.

No, I just got drunk, which I am finding to be quite the way to avoid eating pizzas. Because if I drink, then eventually I pass out, and I can't eat pizzas when I am unconscious. Although I wouldn't put it past me.

I have faced the first real trial of my quest, pizza-withdrawal fans, and I have not come up wanting. Fuck you, pizzas. Yeah, you heard me. FUCK YOU.